If I'm not returning your call or email it's because...

This has been my view for the last five days...

My mom is sick again.  And I feel really good about the care she is getting (her nurse is an angel), and I feel really bad for the situation.

 

If you don't know the situation before this....you probably won't understand.  If you know my mom as one of her current friends or patients, you won't understand.  If you're related by blood at ALL or have known her in the past....you probably understand exactly where I'm coming from.  She is a very complex person.  There have been times in my life that I was pretty sure if you lifted her hair there would be a "666" tatooed on the back of her neck.  Many times. 

But she is sick now, very, very sick.  And when she is sick, she is vulnerable and childlike.  And this leaves me in a struggle that at times seems to suck the very life away from me. 

I am dealing with this pretty much alone.  My family is there for me, and God love them, I am grateful beyond comprehension.  My daughter was a lifeline this weekend.  I feel so much better after spending time with her and with Chad and Ray.  And bless his little bald head, my husband has been wonderful.  Really. 

But the reality is....they are there for me.  I realized when I was standing in mom's ICU room that my sweet daughter's support is my lifeline.  And if it was my mother in law, she would be there with or without me, moving heaven and earth for her Grandma that she loves dearly.  Grandma (and grandpa) that attended ball games, concerts, that let her bake every time she visited, that rescued her from shopping trips when she was tired, that have made her feel loved from the moment she was born.  She has a totally different relationship with his mom than with mine.                                  

And I am sad for the choices, albeit HER choices, that have left my mom virtually alone.  The only phone calls to anyone that might notice she dropped off the map for a week or more....were two.  One sister and one phone acquaintance.  I have told a couple other family members, but that was mostly for my own benefit. 

Now, I am completely aware that these are choices that she has made.  And she is aware that she has made bad choices.  Is she sorry?  Probably not.  But it does leave me in a very hard position.  I know what the past is.  And I know there is a lot of hurt there, for many people.  She's not been honest in family dealings, creating hurt and conflict.  She stops speaking to friends or family and the person never knows why.  Spent her life savings and any money my Dad left us for attorneys to defend someone who DESERVED to go to prison.

  Hateful letters in the mail?  We've all received at least one.  And, for the LIFE of me, I cannot understand why you would ever even THINK of ruining your only grandchild's wedding because of an error on the address of your invitation.  Yeah, I understand. 

And reconciling the sweet mother that I remember as a small child and the person that has divided her children and chosen the current man was in her life over us, presents a real conflict for me.  At least when she is sick.  It's hard.  And I feel alone.  And overwhelmed.  And while I understand, God do I understand, it's hard.  But I can't walk away.  Not for the person she is, but because of who I am.   I don't expect her to change.  I'm not new here.  I know that she might not be speaking to me in a couple of weeks.  I have my eyes wide open.  Stupid?  Maybe.  But I do it because God told me to honor my parents.  He didn't tell me to like it, or to only do as much as I felt like, or decide what she deserved.  So for ME, and what I think God is telling me, I have to.  And I am really okay with that.  Really. 

But I will also take all the hugs I can get right now.